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Communication, forgiveness, Good Neighbors, Moving On, Relationships, Value We Don't See
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When I hear the term “Fresh Start” I think of Paul Blanco’s Fresh Start program. It’s for people who have bad credit and need a car. But, today, I’m cashing in on a Fresh Start of another kind. The kind for people who are relationally bereft, those who’ve found themselves light on emotional currency, perhaps due to misunderstandings – which are the cause of so many of our ills.
I make a real effort to keep my relationships clean. I don’t like to have misunderstandings floating about or passive-aggressive dogs at the door. I tend to address those things as soon as possible, though most easily with people I trust.
Sometimes things get out of hand. For me, it’s often a tough call to identify the line between reasonable tolerance and where I have a reasonable right to set a firm boundary. You know, I don’t want to be the “curmudgeon on the hill” nor “the push-over that lives up there.” (click to Tweet) I think I’d rather err on the side of the curmudgeon, but fear I can more easily fill the shoes of the push-over. Boy, after I give too much, am I fun to be around or what?
For over 15 years my husband and I have shared a property boundary with a good man. Several years ago his wife, our sweet and gentle 
friend, passed. Our neighbor changed – or maybe not – but our relationship with him did. Sometimes, it’s hard to know what a person is going through. We can catch glimpses into their tortured world or their seemingly unreasonable thinking, but we never really know. We human beings do not deal well with uncertainty, so our imaginations often fill in the gaps. We may try to have conversations with these people to assess actual facts, but sometimes those exchanges go askew and we retreat, telling more stories about what must be happening.
So, for several years we’ve clung to the thin thread that joined us and our neighbor, and it seems it became thinner and thinner with time. I’m sure both of us suffered a considerable amount of frustration, which most likely stemmed from the evil twins – misunderstanding and feeling unheard. To our credit, the 3 of us never quit trying. Then, today I had a reason to approach him with a potentially difficult conversation and, to my surprise, it was easy. We discussed all sorts of things, including how we’ve worked things out for over 15 years. I think, sometimes the history is no longer a valid complaint. The potential, the peace, the beauty of working it through for a decade and a half prevails, and you realize you have something substantial. It may not always look the way you wish, but it’s worth a fresh start.
So, sign me up Paul Blanco! I’m ready to leave the past behind, forge forward and leave the ugly stories to other people. I prefer to tell the true stories and be a good neighbor. Benjamin Franklin said:
[Tweet “”Be at war with your vices, peace with your neighbors and let every year find you a better man.””]
I invite you to share insights and stories of your own in a comment below.
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10 Comments
October 25, 2015 at 3:55 pm
Fantastlc! Awesome!
October 25, 2015 at 3:57 pm
Thank you, Sukehee!
October 25, 2015 at 7:19 pm
Thank you for this Michelle. It is so worth it to work things out. I was just this morning thinking of a friend from years ago that had an issue with me and never was willing to talk to me about it. In fact I’ve had a few of these friends and not being able to know what the trouble was, even all these years later is still very painful. Talking things out honestly at least gives you the opportunity to mend these problems. As it stands, I can’t change something I don’t know about.
October 25, 2015 at 7:52 pm
That’s a very good point, Kimberly. Sometimes, it’s helpful – if you think it’s possibly something you’re doing – to ask other trusted friends who have open communication with you. If you discover something, you can then check in with the friends who seem to be having issues and it makes the conversation a bit “safer” for them. I’m sorry you were hurt by their unwillingness to be open. The stories we make up are so often worse than the truth, so be gentle with yourself. ~m
October 26, 2015 at 6:09 am
Oh my goodness. The blog I just posted today is about estranged friendships. How coincidental that I come here and read this.
Love the way you explain the evil twins: “misunderstanding and feeling unheard”! I need to remember these.
October 26, 2015 at 3:42 pm
I found, in this case, Elda, it wasn’t worth remembering the bad things that happened. It was more important to recognize the good things we still had. Blessings to you, Friend. <3
October 26, 2015 at 7:03 pm
I love the idea of fresh start. I don’t have to live in the past even though I cannot change it. I’m getting pretty old. (I forget that often). That means I have a lifetime of things I would do differently if I could. The good news is that it is possible to change self and to reinvent. That makes life so very interesting.
October 26, 2015 at 8:31 pm
Yes, Judith, I think it’s so important to remember yet not regret. Those choices we make in the past, create who we are at this moment and the life we’re living. We have the power to change it all. I remember once feeling like I “wasted” a decade in a bad relationship. It wasn’t true – good came from it and it moulded me into who I am today – that – I can live with. Thanks for chiming in!